fear

January 11, 2016

Did you come home from Afghanistan?

A F G H A N I S T A N

The last I saw
Was all the dreams and all the hopes
In those pretty blue eyes
Confidently going to change the world
It was a rotten deal
Beware of all the mines
The sun was shining as you waved goodbye on the bus

Putting on my poker face
Everyday dealing the hand of
Keeping up facades

Days slowly going by
Eating up months
While I wait for the
Men in black
Knocking on my door
Handing me the folded flag

Will I ever see
Into this deep blue ocean
Of dreams and hopes?

Sing to me, little Darling
Sing my worries away in the night
Sing my fears away in the day
Sing when I wait for the
Men in black
Keep singing to me
While you’re away

They never came
To my door
Knocked on someone else’s

You came back
Everybody knows
You came home
All fine
Legs and arms intact
But it’s a scheme
To keep up the illusion

‘Cause you never came home
And everybody knows
How it goes
The deal was rotten
We met each other
In relief
Finally, the storm had passed

But the boat was leaking
The song was fading and
Men in black approaching

Our lips once again kissing
Finding each other in utter relief
Like the mother finding her lost child
Our bodies once again hugging
Longing for the familiar softness
Yearning for the once upon a time love

We tried
We really did
We know we did

All we find is a black hole
The terror in the eyes of castaways
The ache we feel
Is written here in blood
As real and actual
Like a stillborn baby
Dreams and hopes shattered
With the snap-of-a-finger

Just like that
We find ourselves in the place
Where death needs a shoulder to cry

With the gun of war
We kill us
Like little feet
That come and go
Sometimes you come back
Sometimes you don’t
The deal was rotten

A F G H A N I S T A N

December 24, 2015

Once upon a time…

Let me tell you

What it feels like

To be left out

 

Once upon a time

There was a little girl

Her green eyes the passway to the star of Sirius

Her little hands painting the magic of the Universe

Through her All was One and One was All

 

Let me tell you

What it feels like

To be left out

 

Once upon a time

There was a little girl

Inside a voice softly caressed her whispering

Who are you to think you are magical?

Who are you to think you are All?

 

Let me tell you

What it feels like

To be left out

 

Was it the innocent words of ignorant boys

Spoken to a girl uncomfortable in the shape of her growing body

Too fast

Too tall

Too weird?

 

Or was it the voice inside her head

Going from soft and caressing to insisting and persuading

Penetrating her Open Heart

With its sophisticated and exquisite

Play of Chess?

 

Let me tell you

What it feels like

To be left out

 

Checkmate!

 

Once upon a time

There was a little girl

Who got caught up in the maze of her own mind

Lured into the Gingerbread house of Hansel and Gretel

Caught in a cage with Nāga

 

Let me tell you

What it feels like

To be left out

 

One day

She got up and out of the corner of the cage

Breathed into her belly

The passway to the star of Sirius

The magic of the Universe

Once upon a time

There was a little girl

Who fiercely looked the cobra in his eyes

And in the space between his hiss

And her realization of the illusion

 

In that space where all is

Without time

She caught her hidden wisdom

The death of who she had become

The death of whom she thought she was

 

Let me tell you

What it feels like

To be left out

 

Once upon a time

There was a woman

Transformed with the speed of light

Into something new that was in fact really old

Directed her to whom she already was

 

Who she had always been

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 20, 2015

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

We didn’t see

I didn’t know

But to control

Getting my way

Or the high way

 

From behind

Life snuck up on me

Swaddling me

In chains of oppression

Oh so subtle!

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

 

Going on repeat

Who is right?

Who is wrong?

Who cares?

But we did

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

 

You were supposed to be the light when darkness takes me

The good when evil breaks me

The love that won’t forsake me

 

Ha! Ego laughs us in the face

Flashing its grim grin

Like the shark showing off teeth

Hiding our silver lining

Turning undesirable patterns into sticky energy

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

 

So sad

We didn’t see

I didn’t know

But to control

Where did you go little Darling?

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

 

Afraid to try

Afraid to fail

Afraid to drown

Until one day,

I realized

I had already drowned

 

So I began to swim

Into the depths of Oceans’ wisdom

I did not look back

Instead, I found the courage to stand up tall

Not afraid to try

Not afraid to fail

 

And here I found

No control

No getting my way

No right or wrong

No oppression

No disrespect

No sharks…

 

Now I swim

To the rhythm in my eyes

One foot on Earth

One in the land of Rainbows

My soul shining as the stars

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

 

Now I dance

With the wisdom of the depths of Oceans

Now I light the sparkle in your eyes

Now I set your soul on fire

And you wish to follow

But Darling, you must know

 

It takes the courage of an Open Heart

To plunge into the depths of Oceans’ wisdom

You will find yourself standing naked

With your heart on your sleeve

It is nothing

Like swimming in the shallow end of the pool

 

Slipping into my bikini

Waves of conquering my fears coming in

Grabbing my surfboard

Heading for the deep sea of blue

 

Wanna come?

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 2, 2015

When I met God on my way to work

Me: “Does E.T. really exist? What about Star Wars?”

Mom (or dad): “No. That’s just movies. That’s just fiction.”

Me: “Can we live on a star? Or can we come from a star? Are there people on Mars?”

Mom (or dad): “No! That’s impossible.”

Me: “How about aliens? Can we be taken to their space ships at night?”

Mom (or dad): “NO! Nonsense. There are no such things as aliens, Martians or space ships. Don’t worry. It’s silly nonsense. There is nothing to be frightened about. And you’re safe at night.”

But I was.

Oh! I was.

Frightened.

For so many years, I was convinced that this is it.

That the Earth on which we live is it.

How restrained I felt.

How narrow my perception became.

Until,

One rainy November day

when I met God

on my way to work…

 

 

 

November 4, 2015

About Death IV (and about fears)

It started with a french fry. 20 years ago. But she still feels it. As if it were today.

The feeling of the french fry getting stuck in her throath.

The first conscious experience of mortality.

It wasn’t. The french fry. Getting stuck.

It happend in her mind.

And this was just the beginning.

But she had no idea.

20 years later and looking back. The fear of death was overwhelming her.

The fear of not being good enough.

Pretty enough.

Girly enough.

Beautiful enough.

Sexy enough.

Smart enough.

Clever enough.

Intelligent enough.

Important enough.

Worth enough.

She had no idea. That all of these ‘qualities’. All of these labels.

They do not matter.

All of her insecurities. Built up. Exploded in one french fry. That got stuck in her mind.

And haunted her for many years to come.

She didn’t know that you can die your insecurities.

She had no idea.