death

January 11, 2016

Did you come home from Afghanistan?

A F G H A N I S T A N

The last I saw
Was all the dreams and all the hopes
In those pretty blue eyes
Confidently going to change the world
It was a rotten deal
Beware of all the mines
The sun was shining as you waved goodbye on the bus

Putting on my poker face
Everyday dealing the hand of
Keeping up facades

Days slowly going by
Eating up months
While I wait for the
Men in black
Knocking on my door
Handing me the folded flag

Will I ever see
Into this deep blue ocean
Of dreams and hopes?

Sing to me, little Darling
Sing my worries away in the night
Sing my fears away in the day
Sing when I wait for the
Men in black
Keep singing to me
While you’re away

They never came
To my door
Knocked on someone else’s

You came back
Everybody knows
You came home
All fine
Legs and arms intact
But it’s a scheme
To keep up the illusion

‘Cause you never came home
And everybody knows
How it goes
The deal was rotten
We met each other
In relief
Finally, the storm had passed

But the boat was leaking
The song was fading and
Men in black approaching

Our lips once again kissing
Finding each other in utter relief
Like the mother finding her lost child
Our bodies once again hugging
Longing for the familiar softness
Yearning for the once upon a time love

We tried
We really did
We know we did

All we find is a black hole
The terror in the eyes of castaways
The ache we feel
Is written here in blood
As real and actual
Like a stillborn baby
Dreams and hopes shattered
With the snap-of-a-finger

Just like that
We find ourselves in the place
Where death needs a shoulder to cry

With the gun of war
We kill us
Like little feet
That come and go
Sometimes you come back
Sometimes you don’t
The deal was rotten

A F G H A N I S T A N

December 20, 2015

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

We didn’t see

I didn’t know

But to control

Getting my way

Or the high way

 

From behind

Life snuck up on me

Swaddling me

In chains of oppression

Oh so subtle!

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

 

Going on repeat

Who is right?

Who is wrong?

Who cares?

But we did

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

 

You were supposed to be the light when darkness takes me

The good when evil breaks me

The love that won’t forsake me

 

Ha! Ego laughs us in the face

Flashing its grim grin

Like the shark showing off teeth

Hiding our silver lining

Turning undesirable patterns into sticky energy

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

 

So sad

We didn’t see

I didn’t know

But to control

Where did you go little Darling?

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

 

Afraid to try

Afraid to fail

Afraid to drown

Until one day,

I realized

I had already drowned

 

So I began to swim

Into the depths of Oceans’ wisdom

I did not look back

Instead, I found the courage to stand up tall

Not afraid to try

Not afraid to fail

 

And here I found

No control

No getting my way

No right or wrong

No oppression

No disrespect

No sharks…

 

Now I swim

To the rhythm in my eyes

One foot on Earth

One in the land of Rainbows

My soul shining as the stars

I used to swim in the shallow end of the pool

 

Now I dance

With the wisdom of the depths of Oceans

Now I light the sparkle in your eyes

Now I set your soul on fire

And you wish to follow

But Darling, you must know

 

It takes the courage of an Open Heart

To plunge into the depths of Oceans’ wisdom

You will find yourself standing naked

With your heart on your sleeve

It is nothing

Like swimming in the shallow end of the pool

 

Slipping into my bikini

Waves of conquering my fears coming in

Grabbing my surfboard

Heading for the deep sea of blue

 

Wanna come?

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 4, 2015

About Death IV (and about fears)

It started with a french fry. 20 years ago. But she still feels it. As if it were today.

The feeling of the french fry getting stuck in her throath.

The first conscious experience of mortality.

It wasn’t. The french fry. Getting stuck.

It happend in her mind.

And this was just the beginning.

But she had no idea.

20 years later and looking back. The fear of death was overwhelming her.

The fear of not being good enough.

Pretty enough.

Girly enough.

Beautiful enough.

Sexy enough.

Smart enough.

Clever enough.

Intelligent enough.

Important enough.

Worth enough.

She had no idea. That all of these ‘qualities’. All of these labels.

They do not matter.

All of her insecurities. Built up. Exploded in one french fry. That got stuck in her mind.

And haunted her for many years to come.

She didn’t know that you can die your insecurities.

She had no idea.

October 25, 2015

About Death III (and about the heart)

Can you die from a broken heart?

Yes, you probably can.

But you can also die if you don’t let your heart love.

You can die if you don’t live with an open heart.

No matter what hits you.

Even if you risk getting hurt.

Even if you risk getting it broken.

Even if you risk a little of yourself. Everytime you open your heart.

And love.

Again and again.

And again.

Open your heart.

And love.

It Is Really The Only Thing You Can Do.

October 18, 2015

About Death II

“I want a divorce.” He stood leaning against the kitchen window ledge on the first day of fall. The sky is grey. The clouds raging by. It rains. Heavily.

I knew he ment it.

My brain works hard. Usually, in these situations I’d say something like: “Well, then we might as well get divorced.” Then we’d fight some more.

And argue. Loudly. Back and forth.

Something like: “Come on, we have to make this work.” Usually, it would be him saying that. Then I’d act a little aloof. Waiting for him to apologize. He only did that the first years of our marriage.

Then finally, we’d end up agreeing on something come on ish. Somewhat like when you’re totally behind in a sporting event and then during the time out everyone is yelling their head off: “Come ON. Come ooooooooooooooooooooooooooon…”

But unlike how it used to be, I wasn’t the one threatening to get a divorce. He was the one wanting one.

Do you see the difference?

Getting a divorce. And wanting a divorce.

So I tried to keep calm.

“Come on. You don’t mean that. You don’t want that.”

“Yes. We are getting a divorce. There is no way back.”

No way around. Or no way out. My brain locked. My heart stopped. My image of our picture perfect family went to pieces. In one split second. Just like lightning ripping through a summer night’s sky. without warning.

When did our marriage die?

October 12, 2015

About Death

I sit with him. For two and a half hours. His breathing is fast. And shallow. I don’t know him. I’ve never met him before. I only know his first name. He’s been lying in this bed for a week now. Unconscious. Waiting for his organs to shut down. The body to say goodbye. He’s not old.

I talk to him about the view. Which is amazing. It is a Sunday morning. The fall sky is blue. Clear and blue. The sun is shining. I sing. And talk. About this and that. I read a little. And draw. A mandala. I call it Blood Moon. I tell him. About the last Blood Moon in 1982. And the next one occuring in 2033. Time is a strange thing.

After a couple of hours another volunteer is coming to sit with him. I say farewell. And right then and there he opens his eyes. A tear runs down his cheek. We look into each other’s eyes.

Human to human.

Soul to soul.

We talk in silence. And I speak out loud. It’s okay. I am right here.

Together, we’re in a place beyond time and perception. Beyond the thoughts and comprehension of the intellect. Beyond language.

It’s just us. Him and me. His gaze meeting mine.

We are one and the same.

The heart stops beating. He has traveled on. But before he did, he made a mark in me.

I am humble and grateful.